typicalsituation
06-07-09, 07:37 PM
Okay, backstory time. 3 weeks ago I went out drinking with my friends. The next morning while I was puking over the toilet I accidentally released sphinctiral pressure and allowed some poop to seep out into my underwear and onto the floor. This earned me the nickname 'Turtlehead' - if you can't figure out why you should probably stop reading here because it gets nothing but worse.
Fast forward three days. We have a coronation type thing for seniors and I was chosen to give a speech. While the President of the college was speaking (immediately before me) I was nibbling on the hors d'oeuvres and sipping my milk. While biting into a shrimp I noticed something around me beginning to stink. Other people seemed to as well, as nobody at my table was paying attention to the speech anymore. All of the sudden I noticed that IT WAS ME. I WAS FARTING WITHOUT KNOWING IT. I don't want to say how I figured this out at this time because this is still a very sensitive topic for me but I am 100% sure I was stealth farting, and it smelled horrible. As usual I cracked a small joke about it and that got the suspicion off me but about 5 minutes later, as the President was winding down his longwinded speech, I began stealth farting again and tried to stop it but I found that I COULD NOT CONTRACT MY SPHINCTER. It was then that I knew what was coming next. I quickly got up and dismissed myself to the bathroom and barely made it in before poop started streaming out of my pants and onto the floor. I was late giving the biggest speech of my life because I was pooping my pants in the public washroom, and even worse, I had to leave immediately afterwards because I am almost certain the regents smelled the poop while I was speaking.
Fast forward a week. I haven't gone anywhere, still having pooping and farting problems, tried to see the doctor but surprise surprise everything seemingly felt (and I guess looked) fine back there. I got home and within one hour I was soiling another boxer brief. My butthole was playing games with me. I considered making a youtube to catch the stealth farting/pooping in action, in effect tricking my own stupid butthole into unwittingly releasing said farts and poop but quickly wised up to the fact that they would never allow it (DocEvil sent me youtubes of mexican men pooping as a funny joke once and they were taken down almost before I could click them). I didn't care how weird my doctor thought I was for presenting him a bowel movement video, I just wanted it to stop.
And it did. So I thought I wouldn't have to cancel the date I had been waiting for for a month.
Incorrect Bill Robinson. Danger Bill Robinson.
She looked absolutely ravishing. I didn't look so bad myself. I almost went with black on black but I didn't want to look too gothic so I went with a white button down. We sat down to eat and I had tiger shrimp, she had the lobster. Long story short I reached over to snap the lobster for her with the provided tool and when I leaned over I actually felt a stealth fart come out. It was weird, unlike any farting feeling I have ever had. I can't really describe it beyond saying it's like helium escaping a confined space. I reflexively sat back down immediately. The only problem with this was unbeknownst to me (because my sphincter was completely relaxed), POOP WAS COMING OUT OF MY BUTTHOLE THE ENTIRE TIME. I wore three pair of underwear. It was enough to contain the initial geyser but I had a pool sitting underneath my bottom. When I sat back down the runny poop shot up and out of my pants all over my plate of food (thankfully not hers) and out of the back of my shirt. That's right - I had a brown streak down the back of my white shirt of poop. It was the most embarrassing moment of my life and thanks to other people in attendance word has quickly spread around campus and I am now known by many more terrible names than Turtlehead.
My reputation has suffered horribly and there is no way for me to rectify the situation because my accursed butthole acts up whenever I go out. Is this because of the turtlehead incident? Is it due to some unforeseen anxiety issues? I am baffled and I go back to the doctor on Thursday but in the meantime my life is literally ----.
You guys can think I'm making this up but every detail is true and unexaggerated. Make fun of me if you wish, I'm used to it by now. I just want to get this fixed so I can have a normal life again.
Fast forward three days. We have a coronation type thing for seniors and I was chosen to give a speech. While the President of the college was speaking (immediately before me) I was nibbling on the hors d'oeuvres and sipping my milk. While biting into a shrimp I noticed something around me beginning to stink. Other people seemed to as well, as nobody at my table was paying attention to the speech anymore. All of the sudden I noticed that IT WAS ME. I WAS FARTING WITHOUT KNOWING IT. I don't want to say how I figured this out at this time because this is still a very sensitive topic for me but I am 100% sure I was stealth farting, and it smelled horrible. As usual I cracked a small joke about it and that got the suspicion off me but about 5 minutes later, as the President was winding down his longwinded speech, I began stealth farting again and tried to stop it but I found that I COULD NOT CONTRACT MY SPHINCTER. It was then that I knew what was coming next. I quickly got up and dismissed myself to the bathroom and barely made it in before poop started streaming out of my pants and onto the floor. I was late giving the biggest speech of my life because I was pooping my pants in the public washroom, and even worse, I had to leave immediately afterwards because I am almost certain the regents smelled the poop while I was speaking.
Fast forward a week. I haven't gone anywhere, still having pooping and farting problems, tried to see the doctor but surprise surprise everything seemingly felt (and I guess looked) fine back there. I got home and within one hour I was soiling another boxer brief. My butthole was playing games with me. I considered making a youtube to catch the stealth farting/pooping in action, in effect tricking my own stupid butthole into unwittingly releasing said farts and poop but quickly wised up to the fact that they would never allow it (DocEvil sent me youtubes of mexican men pooping as a funny joke once and they were taken down almost before I could click them). I didn't care how weird my doctor thought I was for presenting him a bowel movement video, I just wanted it to stop.
And it did. So I thought I wouldn't have to cancel the date I had been waiting for for a month.
Incorrect Bill Robinson. Danger Bill Robinson.
She looked absolutely ravishing. I didn't look so bad myself. I almost went with black on black but I didn't want to look too gothic so I went with a white button down. We sat down to eat and I had tiger shrimp, she had the lobster. Long story short I reached over to snap the lobster for her with the provided tool and when I leaned over I actually felt a stealth fart come out. It was weird, unlike any farting feeling I have ever had. I can't really describe it beyond saying it's like helium escaping a confined space. I reflexively sat back down immediately. The only problem with this was unbeknownst to me (because my sphincter was completely relaxed), POOP WAS COMING OUT OF MY BUTTHOLE THE ENTIRE TIME. I wore three pair of underwear. It was enough to contain the initial geyser but I had a pool sitting underneath my bottom. When I sat back down the runny poop shot up and out of my pants all over my plate of food (thankfully not hers) and out of the back of my shirt. That's right - I had a brown streak down the back of my white shirt of poop. It was the most embarrassing moment of my life and thanks to other people in attendance word has quickly spread around campus and I am now known by many more terrible names than Turtlehead.
My reputation has suffered horribly and there is no way for me to rectify the situation because my accursed butthole acts up whenever I go out. Is this because of the turtlehead incident? Is it due to some unforeseen anxiety issues? I am baffled and I go back to the doctor on Thursday but in the meantime my life is literally ----.
You guys can think I'm making this up but every detail is true and unexaggerated. Make fun of me if you wish, I'm used to it by now. I just want to get this fixed so I can have a normal life again.